On Your Best Behavior

There is always a lot of talk this time of year about staying off of Santa's naughty list, whether you are a human or a pet!  I never threatened my kids with this list for the same reason I'd never use it on my dogs:  There is no good behavior or bad behavior per se, there is just behavior.  Now before you start telling me all the ways that this isn't true, let me explain a bit further.

So, let's say you are visiting family for the holidays and they let their kids jump on the furniture.  Now, this may drive you nuts and you may wonder why they don't ask their kids to use the furniture as it was intended, but who are you to say?  If the parents of those kids don't have a problem with the kids jumping on the couch, then neither should you. And if it really does bother you that much, then don't visit.  But definitely do not share your parenting tips with said kids' actual parents.  They don't want your input, trust me.  

But, you see, the same rule applies to their pets.  Let's say your friend lets their dog jump up on everyone in greeting and lick their faces.  Your friend clearly loves this about their dog (he's so friendly, he loves everyone he meets) and encourages the behavior.  And their cat?  They let the cat walk on the kitchen counter whenever he wants to, often sharing food with him when he's up there.  Now, again, you may be grossed out by this, but it isn't for you to judge.  Clearly, having the cat on the counter, sharing tidbits of food, brings joy to your friend.  If you don't like being jumped on and licked by his dog and can't bear the thought of eating food prepared on a counter under a cat's watchful supervision, then maybe you need to invite your friend to your house to visit or meet at a restaurant to break bread instead.  Again, however, it isn't up to you to correct your friend or tell him his pets' behavior is "bad."

Basically, what's bad behavior to one parent or pet owner is the status quo (and maybe even encouraged and rewarded) by another. Behavior is just behavior after all, no good or bad label need be applied. So, what CAN you do if you don't like a child's or pet's behavior and it isn't your own child or pet?  Try redirection as it can be successfully used on both! Let's revisit the examples I've already given you.

For those kids jumping on the couch: Walk into the room with a game or activity in mind that runs counter to jumping on the couch.  Perhaps a board game, card game, or puzzle all of which require sitting down to do them.  Or, better yet, grab a ball or jump rope and suggest an outdoor activity to burn off that bouncy energy. For the dog that jumps up on you in greeting, licking your face?  Have treats in your hand and ready to show the dog right when he gets to you.  Give him a sniff of your hand and then toss a treat a few feet away.  Trust me, he'll run after it to see what you've tossed. When he does and looks back or approaches you again, toss another treat away from you.  He'll learn that approaching you, but not jumping on you, results in the tossing of yummy little snacks. Now that cat walking on the kitchen counter could be a bit tougher, though, again, if the cat is that food motivated, you bringing some treats could get him off of that counter, at least temporarily.  And if the cat likes catnip, bring that with you and put some on a rug, mat, or the cat's perch and show him it's there.  Hopefully, he'll spend some time rubbing and rolling there instead of on the counter.  And your friend will think you really do care about their pets as you've thoughtfully brought them gifts!

I truly love redirection and use it all the time.  I used it on my kids when they were younger and I still use it with my own pets, my clients' pets, and the neighborhood kids.  And if your pet has a behavior that YOU don't like, well, that's a different thing altogether.  We can work on that, but not because it's bad rather than good, but because YOU don't like the behavior and would like it to change.

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

Here's Henley laying on the window seat in my office.  I have no problem with him being up there. He isn't a bad dog for getting on the furniture and this isn't a questionable behavior at my house, in fact it's quite the opposite. I'd rather he was snoozing up there than off somewhere else where I can't see him and track his activities and need for redirection!

Survival of the Friendliest

Have you all watched the Netflix documentary, "Inside the Mind of a Dog?" If you haven't, you really should.  It's quite entertaining and a great way to see what goes into the raising and training of service dogs, among other noteworthy things.

For me, I thought the best takeaway was this idea of "survival of the friendliest" rather than just thinking about the success of dogs in terms of "survival of the fittest," a concept first presented by the English philosopher and sociologist, Herbert Spencer, before it was popularized and often attributed to Charles Darwin.  Survival of the fittest refers to natural selection and a way of explaining how organisms that are best adapted to their environments are more likely to survive and reproduce. Survival of the friendliest is an even more straightforward way of thinking about the success of dogs.  Those early canids that bravely followed humans, eating what we left behind, alerting us to predators, helping us hunt for food, and keeping us warm and entertained? They were adaptable and they were clearly friendly, or at least open to a symbiotic relationship.  Those early canids who weren't interested or friendly? In a nutshell, they remained wolves.

But survival of the friendliest applies well beyond natural selection.  The friendliest dogs are (hopefully) the ones humans, even now, are encouraging to reproduce. By encouraging friendly dogs to reproduce, we are ensuring that future human generations will enjoy the companionship of behaviorally reliable dogs.  And at least as far as this documentary is concerned, who in the dog population could be considered more friendly or reliable than a service dog?

Truthfully, I'd have to agree.  Service dogs are carefully bred over generations to have temperaments suitable to the jobs that they will one day master.  Some are good at picking up dropped items or flipping switches, others are good at guiding people in public spaces, while others are good at reducing anxiety.  There are service dogs whose noses are so gifted that they can detect drugs or firearms and even dogs that can identify cancer, alert to diabetic events, and predict seizures before they happen. These are all very helpful behaviors that dogs can provide and at the heart of all of these behaviors are dogs who are friendly in nature.  So, yes, we can select for friendly and perpetuate that for the future.

Now, obviously, I realize that there are dogs out there breeding on their own without much thought given to the idea of friendliness.  But  here's the thing.  We, as humans and their caretakers, do have a role to play there as well. Clearly, we should spay/neuter dogs whose temperaments shouldn't be perpetuated, much as we should spay/neuter dogs who have inherited genetic illnesses that will shorten their lives or cause them undue pain and suffering.  

As our faithful, trusted companions, I feel like we owe dogs that:  We have the ability to help them become the very best that they can be.  And just as every puppy born to be a service dog doesn't make that final cut and go on to a service job, they all go on to be well-loved, devoted companions, whose friendly disposition is cherished.  Survival of the friendliest indeed.

So, go take your dog for a stroll, hand them a cookie, show them some love, or all of the above.  They deserve it.

And, as always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

Here's Westley, my daughter's ESA, emotional support animal, laying across her body to comfort her and help her relax for bed.  And he's doing it with collie style; notice those crossed paws!

Kids & Dogs: More Thoughts On Them Both!

I was talking with a new client via Zoom over the weekend who was considering a dog for her kids (two boys ages 4 and 7) as a Hanukkah gift.  While I appreciated that she thought her boys were ready for this commitment, I don't think the holidays are the optimal time to gift a pet of any kind to anyone, let alone young children.  Too much chaos, too much excitement, and too many chances for the gift to be more than anyone can handle this time of year.  But beyond that, I had to find a nice way to tell her that I didn't think her boys were ready for a dog yet. I was able to see her boys and interact with them during our video consultation and I just don't think they are ready for what living with a dog entails. After our appointment was done, I asked if I could share her story as long as no names were used and she gave a definitive yes as she felt like I'd helped her "dodge a bullet" with my advice.

These two boys were like most of the little boys I meet; they were running around the house, playing with plastic light sabers first and then a nerf ball.  They never walked anywhere, not once!  Every time they moved they either sprinted, skipped, or vaulted off of a piece of furniture!  When they finally settled down, I saw them lying on the floor, game controllers in hand, and popcorn in a big bowl set between them. All I could picture was a puppy chasing these kids, grabbing light sabers and clothing, tackling kids on the floor, and then eating an entire bowl of popcorn! And, yes, I've seen it before.  More than once.

While I love watching kids and dogs play together, and I do believe that having any pet increases a child's empathy for others, there is no set age when getting your child a dog (or a cat, rabbit, or guinea pig) is the right thing to do. In fact, I've been in homes where toddlers are doing really well with the family dog or cat, and I've also been in homes where the teens weren't appropriate with the pets. So, you see, it isn't the age of your kids that determines if they are ready for a family pet; it's the personalities of the kids, their temperaments, and how their activity level will be impacted by the addition of a pet.  

I know I spend a lot of time talking about being careful to select a dog whose temperament, exercise requirements, etc. suits your lifestyle, but it's equally important to make sure your lifestyle, and the fact that you have kids or grandkids in your home, fits the dog's needs as well.  And, yes, after 30,000 years of co-evolution with dogs we've selected for dogs with temperaments that are suited to family life, that doesn't mean that EVERY dog is suited to family life.  For example, it might seem that a little dog like a teacup poodle or chihuahua might be a good choice for kids because they can dress the dog up, push it around in a stroller, and carry it everywhere, but here's the thing.  Many of those tiny breed dogs don't actually like being dressed up or picked up all the time.  They might tolerate an adult who feeds them doing it, but they might snap at or bite a child for doing the same thing. Those little dogs have a bit less patience with rude human behavior than their larger counterparts.  That isn't to say that a Bernese Mountain Dog doesn't have limits with the amount of bad human behavior they are willing to put up with, because I'm certain they do.  It's just that that Berner is going to be a bit more forgiving.  But a bite is a bite is a bite; if your kids aren't able to respect a dog or cat's boundaries and heed those obvious body language cues, then you aren't ready for a dog or cat in your home, no matter how much everyone says they want one.

Please keep in mind too that options for dogs and cats are limited once they've bitten someone, even if that bite was an accident or the result of getting overstimulated or from inappropriate handling by your kids. Dogs and cats who bite are a liability and hard to re-home, so don't set those pets up to fail from the get-go.  Work with your kids to understand all that goes into having a family pet.  Take classes even before you get a puppy or dog.  Introduce your kids to books on canine or feline body language and make a game out of reading what dogs and cats you see in your neighborhood are "saying."  Here are my two favorite books, both by the same author, on body language in cats and dogs:

"Doggie Language: A Dog Lover's Guide to Understanding Your Best Friend, " by Lili Chin

"Kitty Language: An Illustrated Guide to Understanding Your Cat," by Lili Chin

Even if your child is a pre-reader, the illustrations in these books are entertaining and clear, allowing you to explain what they are seeing and talk about what those behaviors mean. 

Finally, if your kids ARE ready for a pet, the holidays is definitely not the time to do it.  There is just too much going on this time of year; getting a pet will add to your stress and that's the last thing you want to do to a brand new feline or canine family member. And, yes, I realize the kids are home with time on their hands to (hopefully) bond with a new pet and establish a routine, but, again, the holidays are chaotic in most homes and not ideal for introducing a new pet to your family.  Doors get left open and pets escape; food is out on low tables, tempting those new pets; Christmas trees have yummy smelling (toxic) water under them; there are ornaments, tinsel, Poinsettia, mistletoe, etc. that are hazardous.  And the list goes on and on. If you want to get a pet when your kids are off from school, wait until spring break or the summer to get a pet. Truly, though, a random week in January or February still beats December, even if your kids are gone to school most of the day.  That gives you time to set up the ground rules for that new pet and we all know the adults do the bulk of the work when it comes to pets anyway!

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

This is 7 year old me and my 6 week old West Highland White Terrier puppy, Tosh. I had been wanting a dog since I could speak, but my parents waited until I was old enough to help care for the dog.  And care for him I did; I was the one who fed him, walked him, cleaned up behind him, and trained him.  My dad always liked to say he covered the dog's expenses and that was enough!

Guilty As Charged!

I met with a new client this week whose initial email message was filled with guilt and regret.  Guilt over getting a dog during the pandemic, only to return to working in the office full-time this year, and leaving him home alone five days a week.  She regrets getting a dog because now he is having all sorts of behavior problems related to separation anxiety.  Her remorse over getting this dog, a dog that she clearly loves deeply, is ultimately leading to issues in anxiety and depression for her as well.

Her feelings are not unique. Many dog owners felt guilty returning to their offices post-pandemic. And a couple of recent studies have shown that pet owner guilt over returning to the workplace closely resembles the guilt felt by parents of young children trying to balance work and home life. Given that 85% of dog owners and 75% of cat owners in the U.S. consider their pets to be family members, this isn't all that surprising.

Here's a quick summary of what dog owners in these two studies felt guilty about: Being away from home/having to go to work; not enough time in the day to pay attention to their dogs; neglecting their dog's physical health (missed walks, trips to the park, etc.); and leaving their dogs alone. Interestingly enough, the two populations in the study who felt the most conflicted with the demands of their jobs versus the demands of dog ownership were men and dog owners younger than 50 years of age. So, how do people compensate for this guilt?  Almost half of the study participants skipped out on social events to avoid leaving their dogs home alone and a third of the participants admitted (guiltily!) that they spend time with their dogs at the expense of other, human, family members. While overall the participants tried to remind themselves that their dogs had good lives and that helped them process their guilt better, 40% just felt defeated, and resigned themselves to feeling guilty about having a dog in the first place.

The worst part about all of this is the fact that dog owners with the highest guilt about owning dogs were also the ones with the highest scores for anxiety and depression for themselves. My new client was clearly one of these unfortunate people. Just reminding her that all of her overwhelming anxiety was going to make things worse for her dog, who clearly felt her emotions, reflecting them back to her, was not going to help.  We needed an action plan, some things she could easily do to decrease the pressure she felt to be "the perfect dog mom."

I began by telling her that she wasn't alone and giving her those stats I summarized for you up above.  I followed this with a few suggestions designed to give her some immediate relief.  I helped her reach out to five of her dog-loving friends to form a dog-sitting collective.  Two of the women in this collective didn't own dogs themselves because they lived in apartments that didn't allow pets, but they loved dogs and missed the companionship, so we included them. A schedule was devised for the month of December which allowed all of the participants to attend holiday parties, festive events with family and other friends, run errands, and even work outside the home.  We couldn't cover every person's workday, but for three of the participants working from home, adding a second dog (all of the dogs in this group were sociable!) wasn't a problem for their workday AND was something they thought their singleton dogs would look forward to...a playmate for the day! For the remaining workdays for my client whose dog was suffering from separation anxiety, we resolved to send her dog to daycare on those days. Just knowing that her friends were in this with her, willing to help, AND giving her an opportunity to help each of them as well, brought immediate relief and a feeling of accomplishment; they could take care of each other and their dogs.

I'm greatly looking forward to this group's progress report at the end of the month.  While I know my client will continue to see her own healthcare professionals to treat her anxiety and depression, my hope is that I at least played a small role in reducing her guilt and helping her dog with his separation anxiety. Her dog is lucky to have an owner who loves and cares about him so profoundly.  And she's lucky too as he clearly adores her.

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

They try to make me feel guilty about not sharing my snacks with them, but otherwise are supportive and very good boys whether I am home with them or not.