I met with a client last weekend who was worried that her dog "just wasn't into her." I asked her what made her think that her dog didn't care about her and she indicated that the dog didn't like being hugged or cuddled and would often walk away from her if she tried to snuggle. She also said that the dog seemed to get very excited to see her boyfriend and would wag her tail and jump up on him, things the dog never does with her. And the behavior that seemed to bother her the most was that if she was petting this dog, the dog would often get up an move after just a few pets. My client wanted to know if I thought her dog loved her or not. No pressure there, right?!
First, let's talk about how dogs show love. Dogs show love in the following ways (remember, though, that not every dog will do every one of these behaviors):
1. Gaze at you adoringly/maintain eye contact: Dogs don't stare intently at one another as that can be perceived as a threat or challenge, but they will learn to gaze at us softly, and maintain that eye contact. Doing this behavior actually can lead their brains to release oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone."
2. Bring you their favorite toy: Dogs who enjoy toys will often bring a favored toy to share with their humans as a way to solicit play and time together doing something the dog loves---play!
3. Happy to see you come home: Whether you've just gone out for a minute to pick up the newspaper or mail, gone shopping for a few hours, or gone to work all day, a dog who shows how happy they are to see you return is another way they show love.
4. They check in on you periodically when you are home together: Whether you are going to the bathroom, taking a shower, or laying down for a nap, your dog might come check on you to see what you are up to.
5. They choose to sleep in your bedroom with you: If your dog has the option to sleep wherever he likes and he chooses to sleep in your bedroom (or on your bed with you!), then that's an expression of love.
6. Dogs will lean on those they love: Whether you are on the couch together or they are at your feet, if your dog chooses to lean against you or lay near you, creating physical contact, they are choosing you!
7. Laying on your clothing or shoes, or carrying them around (not destroying them!): Some dogs find comfort laying on your stuff or carrying around your stinky running shoes. Those items smell like you, their favored person.
8. Smile at you: Many dogs learn to smile at their owners, offering a squinty-eyed, loose-lipped, lolling tongue grin when they see you. It's their version of a smile and is indicative of pleasure being directed at you.
So, back to my client. I found her dog to be very confident and self-contained. This dog has no problem with her owner being gone 8 hours a day for work and does come to her, tail wagging when she gets home every day. Yes, the dog jumps up and licks her boyfriend, but this is a female dog; female dogs are wired to choose male humans for special attention and vice versa; I truly believe that if my female client had chosen a male dog, she'd see more of that type of behavior she is looking for directed at her! This dog sleeps on her dog bed in the owner's room by choice and will often bring her owner her leash or her ball, her two favorite things. I think this dog, like many dogs, does not enjoy being hugged, tightly cuddled, kissed, etc. The dog has learned to move away from her owner to keep those behaviors that make her uncomfortable from happening at all. I think that if my client stopped trying to cling to her dog, she'd find the dog seeking her out more for things like laying nearby, which the dog clearly finds enjoyable with the client's boyfriend who doesn't hug on the dog etc. With regard to her dog moving away when she's petting her: I think the dog is anticipating that the petting is going to morph into hugging and kissing and she's preemptively moving away. This dog sat at my side soliciting pets and scratches for a solid 5 minutes, and I was a stranger she'd met for the first time!
I truly believe that my client needs to change her expectations and embrace the dog she has. This is a terrific dog, one who can be trusted alone in the house all day, loves to ride in the car and can be taken anywhere, and is great with new people and other dogs. Just because she doesn't lick the owner or seek out and enjoy cuddles does not mean she doesn't love her owner, she clearly does. She just isn't comfortable showing her love through the level of physical contact that my client thought she would get from a dog. Once I explained this to my client, she was a bit sad at first, but then when she realized that her dog might indeed seek her out more for petting if she gave the dog the space to do so on her own terms, she was satisfied that this could work out; she just needed to change her expectations!
How many of the above ways does your dog show you their love? Let me know. As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.
No comments:
Post a Comment