I met with a new client this week whose initial email message was filled with guilt and regret. Guilt over getting a dog during the pandemic, only to return to working in the office full-time this year, and leaving him home alone five days a week. She regrets getting a dog because now he is having all sorts of behavior problems related to separation anxiety. Her remorse over getting this dog, a dog that she clearly loves deeply, is ultimately leading to issues in anxiety and depression for her as well.
Her feelings are not unique. Many dog owners felt guilty returning to their offices post-pandemic. And a couple of recent studies have shown that pet owner guilt over returning to the workplace closely resembles the guilt felt by parents of young children trying to balance work and home life. Given that 85% of dog owners and 75% of cat owners in the U.S. consider their pets to be family members, this isn't all that surprising.
Here's a quick summary of what dog owners in these two studies felt guilty about: Being away from home/having to go to work; not enough time in the day to pay attention to their dogs; neglecting their dog's physical health (missed walks, trips to the park, etc.); and leaving their dogs alone. Interestingly enough, the two populations in the study who felt the most conflicted with the demands of their jobs versus the demands of dog ownership were men and dog owners younger than 50 years of age. So, how do people compensate for this guilt? Almost half of the study participants skipped out on social events to avoid leaving their dogs home alone and a third of the participants admitted (guiltily!) that they spend time with their dogs at the expense of other, human, family members. While overall the participants tried to remind themselves that their dogs had good lives and that helped them process their guilt better, 40% just felt defeated, and resigned themselves to feeling guilty about having a dog in the first place.
The worst part about all of this is the fact that dog owners with the highest guilt about owning dogs were also the ones with the highest scores for anxiety and depression for themselves. My new client was clearly one of these unfortunate people. Just reminding her that all of her overwhelming anxiety was going to make things worse for her dog, who clearly felt her emotions, reflecting them back to her, was not going to help. We needed an action plan, some things she could easily do to decrease the pressure she felt to be "the perfect dog mom."
I began by telling her that she wasn't alone and giving her those stats I summarized for you up above. I followed this with a few suggestions designed to give her some immediate relief. I helped her reach out to five of her dog-loving friends to form a dog-sitting collective. Two of the women in this collective didn't own dogs themselves because they lived in apartments that didn't allow pets, but they loved dogs and missed the companionship, so we included them. A schedule was devised for the month of December which allowed all of the participants to attend holiday parties, festive events with family and other friends, run errands, and even work outside the home. We couldn't cover every person's workday, but for three of the participants working from home, adding a second dog (all of the dogs in this group were sociable!) wasn't a problem for their workday AND was something they thought their singleton dogs would look forward to...a playmate for the day! For the remaining workdays for my client whose dog was suffering from separation anxiety, we resolved to send her dog to daycare on those days. Just knowing that her friends were in this with her, willing to help, AND giving her an opportunity to help each of them as well, brought immediate relief and a feeling of accomplishment; they could take care of each other and their dogs.
I'm greatly looking forward to this group's progress report at the end of the month. While I know my client will continue to see her own healthcare professionals to treat her anxiety and depression, my hope is that I at least played a small role in reducing her guilt and helping her dog with his separation anxiety. Her dog is lucky to have an owner who loves and cares about him so profoundly. And she's lucky too as he clearly adores her.
As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.
