Blended Families

In last week's blog post, I mentioned dogs that don't like kids.  Yes, it's true.  There are a lot of dogs who really don't like kids, their own family's or otherwise.  A lot of dogs just learn to tolerate kids. And there are some dogs whose behavior is incompatible with life in a home with children.  All joking aside, you can't get rid of the kids, so it's usually the dog that has to move on to a new home.  Truly moving the dog on to a better living situation is key, no matter how much you love your dog.  You want to protect your dog (and your kids); having your dog pushed to his limits, to the point of aggression, will limit his options for a new home environment.  Better to help him find that space before one of your kids gets bitten.  Which brings me to a client I saw early this week, after she'd read my blog last week.  Here's her story with some details changed to protect her privacy, but she wanted her story shared.

My client married her husband last summer and at that point they combined households; up until that time, she maintained her separate home which included her 5 year old, male, mixed breed dog and her fiance maintained his home which was pet-free, except for a pair of goldfish.  Her new husband also has two children under the age of 12 who live with him part-time.  During the period of time that they were together before they married, he brought his kids with him to her house to visit and they met her dog there.  For the most part, her dog avoided the kids, choosing to go hang out in his crate in her bedroom.  She had diligently explained to the kids that they shouldn't take this personally, and that they should respect his safe space and leave him alone while he was in there, which they did. Her husband-to-be kept saying, "Oh, he'll get used to the kids once he's around them more often," but my client knew otherwise in her heart of hearts.  You see, her dog didn't just avoid his kids, her dog avoided all kids. Kids in the neighborhood, her sister's kids, her best friend's kids, and kids in his puppy class when he was younger.  To put it plainly, her dog didn't like kids.  He was smart, however, and just avoided them, but she was worried about what would happen when they moved in together. 

Once they combined households, it went downhill pretty fast. It took time for her dog to adjust to the new home and not having his owner's undivided attention. Luckily, her new husband made an effort with the dog, taking him for walks, giving him treats, and playing fetch with him, his favorite game.  The problems really started when the kids were there every other weekend.  While he seemed to begrudgingly accept them there on Thursday nights for dinner (he just stayed in his crate), he was really discombobulated when they were there for two days straight. 

He began with some mild self-mutilation, chewing on his feet and tail until he created sores in those areas. He became reclusive on those weekends, rarely venturing out of his crate unless he had to use the bathroom.  His favorite time of day on those weekends were late evenings when the kids were in bed and he could quietly coexist with his adult humans. Her vet had recommended me after the self-mutilation was determined to be a behavior problem and not related to allergies, but the owner had waited, thinking her dog just needed time to adjust.  Unfortunately, she waited too long and her dog snapped at one of the kids, creating a huge issue for her new marriage and for her relationship with her new spouse's ex-wife who was livid that her kids were living in a home with an "aggressive dog."  This is when I finally came into the picture.

I suggested that we meet on neutral ground and have all the adults and the dog present.  Given the nature of what we were discussing, I thought it best for the kids not to be there.  I chose a park for us to meet and asked that the couple bring the dog a few minutes earlier, before the ex-wife arrived, so I could meet the dog ahead of time.  I found this dog to be bright, engaging, friendly but not effusive.  He was interested in me, took treats and responded to requests, even letting me walk him away from his owners on a leash, walking back without pulling.  He presented as a well-mannered, well-cared for dog.  He did not present as anxious, until a couple of kids entered the park and began kicking a ball near where we were meeting. He became wary at this point, choosing to lay down under the picnic table rather than out by the humans.  He kept an eye on those kids until they moved on.

I explained to this blended family that while I really liked this dog and thought he was a delightful companion animal, he was no longer the right animal for this family.  He was wonderful with adults, but clearly anxious with children and it was unfair to him to force him to live, albeit part-time, with kids.  He was never going to accept them, enjoy them, or want to be around them. No amount of training, treats, or coaxing was going to change that. While I've certainly met more than one dog whose affections for anyone could readily be bought with yummy treats, this dog was not one of them. He wanted nothing to do with those kids, really anyone's kids, and he'd made that quite clear. It was now up to the humans to set aside their feelings and do right by this dog. For the sake of her marriage and life now as a step-mother, and for the safety of the kids, my client needed to re-home her dog. 

As you might imagine, my client was devastated by this.  I told her that she shouldn't delay this as it would just make things harder for her and riskier for the kids as up until this point her dog had only hurt himself.  He'd warned the kids, but stopped there.  He could certainly move on to a bite and at that point he'd be much harder to place.  She knew she needed to find a home for him with someone outside her immediate circle of friends and family who all had kids or grandkids in their lives.  Ultimately, she found someone at work who was interested in taking him, a nice older woman without kids or grandkids, who had really wanted a dog but who didn't want to raise a puppy and go through puppyhood and adolescence. My client asked if I would meet with this new owner and help make the transition easier for all involved, which I will do.  So far, however, it seems like it's working out, so we'll see what happens once this dog settles into his new home environment.  I know one thing for sure:  Everyone is heaving a big sigh of relief.  This was a sad situation, but one that could have been much worse if they hadn't addressed it when they did.

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

Desi absolutely LOVED kids. Mine, the ones in our neighborhood, and even my friends' kids.  This made him an ideal therapy dog for schools and library visits.  Ozzie has learned to tolerate kids, but they aren't his favorite.  Henley and Westley love kids, which is really nice.  They'll be able to do therapy visits where kids are involved versus Ozzie whose visits are all with adults, which is his preference. 

I Understand Your Frustration!

I really do understand your frustration. It's infuriating when your cat marks indoors or your dog lunges and snaps at other dogs. I know you feel helpless when your dog tries to bite the mail carrier.  I know you feel like a bad pet parent when your cats aren't getting along or your dog doesn't like your kids.  I get it.  Behavior problems are a hassle.  If you've had pets for years and never experienced a behavior problem with one (or more!) of them, you are incredibly fortunate.  Even my veterinarian friends and dog trainer friends have had to deal with behavior problems in their own homes. It can happen to anybody. BUT.  You simply cannot take out your frustration on your vet, your dog trainer, your behaviorist, or your pet. Believe it or not, we really do want to help you, but you have to be open to helping yourself.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  You are not going to fix your pet's issue simply by making a phone call or scheduling an appointment.  There will be work to do and YOU, the pet parent, will have to do it.  Sending a dog off to boot camp will not only cost you a pretty penny, but it is very unlikely to solve the issues you sent them to boot camp for. I've worked with numerous clients following an expensive and unsuccessful trip to doggie boot camp. You need to do the work yourself, guided by a reputable dog trainer, or a behaviorist, if the problems are related to anxiety and not simply related to issues in obedience/control. And even if we do decide to utilize anti-anxiety medication for your pet, it's not an instant panacea. Anti-anxiety medications, while helpful in certain cases, are not magic.  It will not be like night and day, with your pet magically fixed just because you started them on a course of Prozac. Especially if they've only been on the drug for a week!  It's a marathon, not a sprint.  All that those medications do is change your pet's brain chemistry, making them more relaxed and able to focus on what you are teaching them in terms of alternate behaviors.  Yes, YOU are the one teaching them the alternate behaviors because you are the human who lives with them 24/7.  I'll show you what to do, but I don't live with you. You've got to be consistent, patient, and persistent in your quest for better, more appropriate behavior, from your pet.

Now, let's talk about your pet.  They didn't read the behavior books.  They didn't look up their symptoms on the internet.  You did those things for them and as such, they will not be changing their behavior without some resistance.  Why, you ask, does your pet resist changing their behavior?  Well, my friends, because those behaviors have worked for them in the past, fulfilling some inherent need they have, whether that's a need for control, a need to distance themselves from other animals, a need to fulfill their prey drive, or a need to establish boundaries on what is theirs and worth defending. It's your job to teach them that these alternate behaviors will fulfill their needs in a more acceptable (to you) way AND that you will reward them for those changes in their behavior.

I know we've talked about this a million times, but if you really want a behavior to change, you have to pay your pet for making those changes, or those steps toward those changes (shaping).  Holding out on the treats until they are 100% on the behavior change isn't going to end well.  And people who tell me that they don't want to use treats because then their pets will rely on treats to comply, clearly don't understand transactional communication.  There is communication going on between you and your pet all the time and you need to mark those transactions that go well using a form of currency your pet enjoys.  It does no good to offer your dog a dry cookie if they don't consider that a proper payment. Now, you don't need to be held hostage by your pet for filet mignon. I'm only saying, understand what they consider rewarding, and use that to your advantage.  Don't bribe them to change their behavior, pay them for actually do it.

Finally, while we are on the topic of currency, one more thought:  While your veterinarian, groomer, dog trainer, and behaviorist all love animals and want to help them (otherwise why would we be doing this?!), we don't work for free.  We all have bills to pay, families to support, and pets to feed too.  Yes, I know it's expensive to pay your animal practitioners and maybe just a little frustrating that you are paying them AND you are the one who also has to implement what they said/did/gave you to do.  But that's the thing. You are paying them for their knowledge and expertise which didn't come cheap.  Your vet knows that medication will help your pet, for example, but it's not their job to give it to your pet successfully every day to treat the problem. That's your job. And if you can't give a pill to your cat or your dog, then by all means, ask for help!  But do expect to pay for that help, that's only fair.

I'm currently having my own frustration as my bathroom is torn up for repairs.  It wasn't built properly before I moved in, and now I'm the one dealing with the consequences of that.  Kind of like rescuing a dog.  My bathroom seemed good, I liked the way it looked, but ultimately it has issues that require a professional to fix.  And I'll be paying my professional for his knowledge and expertise, knowing that, in the end, I'll have a beautiful, functional, usable bathroom that I can be proud of, show off to my friends, and use for years to come.  Hopefully, you'll be just as proud of your pet after we work together that you won't be able to wait to show them off too.

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

That's Henley in the background, dreaming, I'm sure, of an office without a toilet in the middle of it, sometime soon.

That's A Really Good Question!

I had a doctor's appointment last week and at the end of my appointment, the doctor asked me if I thought there was one particular reason that people are bitten by a cat or dog (apparently, she'd treated three bites right around Christmas time). I told her that this was a really good question and one that people should really give more thought to if they share a home with dogs, cats, or both.

I believe the primary reason anyone is bitten by a cat or dog, their own or otherwise, is that they misread, or flat out didn't read, the body language cues given to them by the animal.  Both dogs and cats use body language as a primary form of communication with each other and with us.  A dog understands what a cat arching its back means, just as a cat understands what a crouched, slow moving dog is saying. They don't have to speak the same "language" to be able to "read" each other's intent.  Our pets spend all day everyday in our company, so they are adept at reading our body language, as well as our verbal cues.  Us understanding what our pets are saying with their body language is imperative to a good relationship with them.  Not only will you have a better understanding of what motivates your pet, and why they feel the way they do at any given time, it's just a good safety practice.  If you are at least minimally adept at reading body language cues from your pets, you have a much better chance of avoiding a bite.  I think this is one of the main reasons that kids are bitten so frequently; they are simply too young and too egocentric to have a keen grasp of body language in another species. Rather than heeding warnings from the family pets, many children push those pets beyond their comfort level resulting in a bite. When this happens, the pets are blamed and often punished, banished, and ultimately removed.  While I agree with separating kids from pets that are unsafe to be around, I also feel that educating kids, even very young children, to better understand what their cats and dogs are telling them is important.  The funny (not so funny really) thing about all of this is that when I meet kids who have been bitten by a cat or dog, I often find that their parents/grandparents missed the cues too!

I know I've talked about the importance of understanding body language many times here on my blog and even suggested books for you to pick up for a better handle on this topic, and yet I still get calls every week from people who've been bitten, or narrowly missed being bitten.  The bottom line? A lot of bites could be avoided simply by giving that animal a choice, an out, or the ability and space to walk away.  Rather than approaching a pet and patting them, get their attention and call them to you. If they don't perk up and head your way, they aren't interested in interacting. If you insist on approaching them, okay, go ahead and do that, but don't corner them; always make sure that they can exit the space safely without having to go around you. One of the first things I teach kids in homes with pets is to avoid approaching the pet, but instead wait for the pet to come to them.  It's the rare dog or cat that seeks out a child to bite them and much more likely that they bit the child because the child came at them and there was no way to avoid it.

I think the reason my doctor saw so many bites in the span of a week is simply this:  The holidays are a stressful time for everyone, including our pets. People are dressing their pets up, forcing them to pose for pictures, putting their kids into those pictures as well, sitting on or laying on the dog, holding the cat like a ragdoll, etc. There are guests invading their home territories, strange foods, plants, and decor they aren't allowed to touch or investigate, all adding to their heightened arousal and agitation.  Giving pets an out, a choice to be involved in family activities, or to remove themselves, is the key.  Not pushing interactions, but instead allowing pets to choose what they are comfortable doing and what they wish to avoid.

Now, sure, it's possible to be bitten by an animal that doesn't live with you and whose body language cues were unfamiliar to you. However, this is a bit less likely because, again, dog and cat body language are universal.  If you are a runner being chased by a dog, stop running.  You'll never outrun a quadraped! Instead, stop, drop your hands at your sides, and avoid eye contact. Hopefully, the dog will sniff you, determine you aren't a threat to their territory, and move on.  You should probably still carry an air horn or pepper spray, just in case, but again, keeping a cool head and not escalating the situation by misreading each other's body language, could very well avoid a bite in the first place.

After going through all of these thoughts on the subject with my doctor, I finished by saying, are you sorry you asked, LOL!  She laughed and said she was glad she'd asked and had a better idea now going forward as to what she should say to her patients following a bite.  Basically, cats and dogs rarely bite for no reason.  You just need to make the effort to understand their reasoning and the best way to do that is to be able to speak the same language, the language of body cues.

That's it for this week.  And remember, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

Henley's body language here is pretty clear.  He's sound asleep in the classic smooth collie "not a care in the world" pose. While I'm 99.9% sure that I could walk over and start petting him when he's like this, I don't ever do that.  Why?  Because I don't want to startle him.  Am I being overly cautious?  No. I'm just being a respectful human.

 

On Your Best Behavior

There is always a lot of talk this time of year about staying off of Santa's naughty list, whether you are a human or a pet!  I never threatened my kids with this list for the same reason I'd never use it on my dogs:  There is no good behavior or bad behavior per se, there is just behavior.  Now before you start telling me all the ways that this isn't true, let me explain a bit further.

So, let's say you are visiting family for the holidays and they let their kids jump on the furniture.  Now, this may drive you nuts and you may wonder why they don't ask their kids to use the furniture as it was intended, but who are you to say?  If the parents of those kids don't have a problem with the kids jumping on the couch, then neither should you. And if it really does bother you that much, then don't visit.  But definitely do not share your parenting tips with said kids' actual parents.  They don't want your input, trust me.  

But, you see, the same rule applies to their pets.  Let's say your friend lets their dog jump up on everyone in greeting and lick their faces.  Your friend clearly loves this about their dog (he's so friendly, he loves everyone he meets) and encourages the behavior.  And their cat?  They let the cat walk on the kitchen counter whenever he wants to, often sharing food with him when he's up there.  Now, again, you may be grossed out by this, but it isn't for you to judge.  Clearly, having the cat on the counter, sharing tidbits of food, brings joy to your friend.  If you don't like being jumped on and licked by his dog and can't bear the thought of eating food prepared on a counter under a cat's watchful supervision, then maybe you need to invite your friend to your house to visit or meet at a restaurant to break bread instead.  Again, however, it isn't up to you to correct your friend or tell him his pets' behavior is "bad."

Basically, what's bad behavior to one parent or pet owner is the status quo (and maybe even encouraged and rewarded) by another. Behavior is just behavior after all, no good or bad label need be applied. So, what CAN you do if you don't like a child's or pet's behavior and it isn't your own child or pet?  Try redirection as it can be successfully used on both! Let's revisit the examples I've already given you.

For those kids jumping on the couch: Walk into the room with a game or activity in mind that runs counter to jumping on the couch.  Perhaps a board game, card game, or puzzle all of which require sitting down to do them.  Or, better yet, grab a ball or jump rope and suggest an outdoor activity to burn off that bouncy energy. For the dog that jumps up on you in greeting, licking your face?  Have treats in your hand and ready to show the dog right when he gets to you.  Give him a sniff of your hand and then toss a treat a few feet away.  Trust me, he'll run after it to see what you've tossed. When he does and looks back or approaches you again, toss another treat away from you.  He'll learn that approaching you, but not jumping on you, results in the tossing of yummy little snacks. Now that cat walking on the kitchen counter could be a bit tougher, though, again, if the cat is that food motivated, you bringing some treats could get him off of that counter, at least temporarily.  And if the cat likes catnip, bring that with you and put some on a rug, mat, or the cat's perch and show him it's there.  Hopefully, he'll spend some time rubbing and rolling there instead of on the counter.  And your friend will think you really do care about their pets as you've thoughtfully brought them gifts!

I truly love redirection and use it all the time.  I used it on my kids when they were younger and I still use it with my own pets, my clients' pets, and the neighborhood kids.  And if your pet has a behavior that YOU don't like, well, that's a different thing altogether.  We can work on that, but not because it's bad rather than good, but because YOU don't like the behavior and would like it to change.

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

Here's Henley laying on the window seat in my office.  I have no problem with him being up there. He isn't a bad dog for getting on the furniture and this isn't a questionable behavior at my house, in fact it's quite the opposite. I'd rather he was snoozing up there than off somewhere else where I can't see him and track his activities and need for redirection!

Survival of the Friendliest

Have you all watched the Netflix documentary, "Inside the Mind of a Dog?" If you haven't, you really should.  It's quite entertaining and a great way to see what goes into the raising and training of service dogs, among other noteworthy things.

For me, I thought the best takeaway was this idea of "survival of the friendliest" rather than just thinking about the success of dogs in terms of "survival of the fittest," a concept first presented by the English philosopher and sociologist, Herbert Spencer, before it was popularized and often attributed to Charles Darwin.  Survival of the fittest refers to natural selection and a way of explaining how organisms that are best adapted to their environments are more likely to survive and reproduce. Survival of the friendliest is an even more straightforward way of thinking about the success of dogs.  Those early canids that bravely followed humans, eating what we left behind, alerting us to predators, helping us hunt for food, and keeping us warm and entertained? They were adaptable and they were clearly friendly, or at least open to a symbiotic relationship.  Those early canids who weren't interested or friendly? In a nutshell, they remained wolves.

But survival of the friendliest applies well beyond natural selection.  The friendliest dogs are (hopefully) the ones humans, even now, are encouraging to reproduce. By encouraging friendly dogs to reproduce, we are ensuring that future human generations will enjoy the companionship of behaviorally reliable dogs.  And at least as far as this documentary is concerned, who in the dog population could be considered more friendly or reliable than a service dog?

Truthfully, I'd have to agree.  Service dogs are carefully bred over generations to have temperaments suitable to the jobs that they will one day master.  Some are good at picking up dropped items or flipping switches, others are good at guiding people in public spaces, while others are good at reducing anxiety.  There are service dogs whose noses are so gifted that they can detect drugs or firearms and even dogs that can identify cancer, alert to diabetic events, and predict seizures before they happen. These are all very helpful behaviors that dogs can provide and at the heart of all of these behaviors are dogs who are friendly in nature.  So, yes, we can select for friendly and perpetuate that for the future.

Now, obviously, I realize that there are dogs out there breeding on their own without much thought given to the idea of friendliness.  But  here's the thing.  We, as humans and their caretakers, do have a role to play there as well. Clearly, we should spay/neuter dogs whose temperaments shouldn't be perpetuated, much as we should spay/neuter dogs who have inherited genetic illnesses that will shorten their lives or cause them undue pain and suffering.  

As our faithful, trusted companions, I feel like we owe dogs that:  We have the ability to help them become the very best that they can be.  And just as every puppy born to be a service dog doesn't make that final cut and go on to a service job, they all go on to be well-loved, devoted companions, whose friendly disposition is cherished.  Survival of the friendliest indeed.

So, go take your dog for a stroll, hand them a cookie, show them some love, or all of the above.  They deserve it.

And, as always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

Here's Westley, my daughter's ESA, emotional support animal, laying across her body to comfort her and help her relax for bed.  And he's doing it with collie style; notice those crossed paws!

Kids & Dogs: More Thoughts On Them Both!

I was talking with a new client via Zoom over the weekend who was considering a dog for her kids (two boys ages 4 and 7) as a Hanukkah gift.  While I appreciated that she thought her boys were ready for this commitment, I don't think the holidays are the optimal time to gift a pet of any kind to anyone, let alone young children.  Too much chaos, too much excitement, and too many chances for the gift to be more than anyone can handle this time of year.  But beyond that, I had to find a nice way to tell her that I didn't think her boys were ready for a dog yet. I was able to see her boys and interact with them during our video consultation and I just don't think they are ready for what living with a dog entails. After our appointment was done, I asked if I could share her story as long as no names were used and she gave a definitive yes as she felt like I'd helped her "dodge a bullet" with my advice.

These two boys were like most of the little boys I meet; they were running around the house, playing with plastic light sabers first and then a nerf ball.  They never walked anywhere, not once!  Every time they moved they either sprinted, skipped, or vaulted off of a piece of furniture!  When they finally settled down, I saw them lying on the floor, game controllers in hand, and popcorn in a big bowl set between them. All I could picture was a puppy chasing these kids, grabbing light sabers and clothing, tackling kids on the floor, and then eating an entire bowl of popcorn! And, yes, I've seen it before.  More than once.

While I love watching kids and dogs play together, and I do believe that having any pet increases a child's empathy for others, there is no set age when getting your child a dog (or a cat, rabbit, or guinea pig) is the right thing to do. In fact, I've been in homes where toddlers are doing really well with the family dog or cat, and I've also been in homes where the teens weren't appropriate with the pets. So, you see, it isn't the age of your kids that determines if they are ready for a family pet; it's the personalities of the kids, their temperaments, and how their activity level will be impacted by the addition of a pet.  

I know I spend a lot of time talking about being careful to select a dog whose temperament, exercise requirements, etc. suits your lifestyle, but it's equally important to make sure your lifestyle, and the fact that you have kids or grandkids in your home, fits the dog's needs as well.  And, yes, after 30,000 years of co-evolution with dogs we've selected for dogs with temperaments that are suited to family life, that doesn't mean that EVERY dog is suited to family life.  For example, it might seem that a little dog like a teacup poodle or chihuahua might be a good choice for kids because they can dress the dog up, push it around in a stroller, and carry it everywhere, but here's the thing.  Many of those tiny breed dogs don't actually like being dressed up or picked up all the time.  They might tolerate an adult who feeds them doing it, but they might snap at or bite a child for doing the same thing. Those little dogs have a bit less patience with rude human behavior than their larger counterparts.  That isn't to say that a Bernese Mountain Dog doesn't have limits with the amount of bad human behavior they are willing to put up with, because I'm certain they do.  It's just that that Berner is going to be a bit more forgiving.  But a bite is a bite is a bite; if your kids aren't able to respect a dog or cat's boundaries and heed those obvious body language cues, then you aren't ready for a dog or cat in your home, no matter how much everyone says they want one.

Please keep in mind too that options for dogs and cats are limited once they've bitten someone, even if that bite was an accident or the result of getting overstimulated or from inappropriate handling by your kids. Dogs and cats who bite are a liability and hard to re-home, so don't set those pets up to fail from the get-go.  Work with your kids to understand all that goes into having a family pet.  Take classes even before you get a puppy or dog.  Introduce your kids to books on canine or feline body language and make a game out of reading what dogs and cats you see in your neighborhood are "saying."  Here are my two favorite books, both by the same author, on body language in cats and dogs:

"Doggie Language: A Dog Lover's Guide to Understanding Your Best Friend, " by Lili Chin

"Kitty Language: An Illustrated Guide to Understanding Your Cat," by Lili Chin

Even if your child is a pre-reader, the illustrations in these books are entertaining and clear, allowing you to explain what they are seeing and talk about what those behaviors mean. 

Finally, if your kids ARE ready for a pet, the holidays is definitely not the time to do it.  There is just too much going on this time of year; getting a pet will add to your stress and that's the last thing you want to do to a brand new feline or canine family member. And, yes, I realize the kids are home with time on their hands to (hopefully) bond with a new pet and establish a routine, but, again, the holidays are chaotic in most homes and not ideal for introducing a new pet to your family.  Doors get left open and pets escape; food is out on low tables, tempting those new pets; Christmas trees have yummy smelling (toxic) water under them; there are ornaments, tinsel, Poinsettia, mistletoe, etc. that are hazardous.  And the list goes on and on. If you want to get a pet when your kids are off from school, wait until spring break or the summer to get a pet. Truly, though, a random week in January or February still beats December, even if your kids are gone to school most of the day.  That gives you time to set up the ground rules for that new pet and we all know the adults do the bulk of the work when it comes to pets anyway!

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

This is 7 year old me and my 6 week old West Highland White Terrier puppy, Tosh. I had been wanting a dog since I could speak, but my parents waited until I was old enough to help care for the dog.  And care for him I did; I was the one who fed him, walked him, cleaned up behind him, and trained him.  My dad always liked to say he covered the dog's expenses and that was enough!

Guilty As Charged!

I met with a new client this week whose initial email message was filled with guilt and regret.  Guilt over getting a dog during the pandemic, only to return to working in the office full-time this year, and leaving him home alone five days a week.  She regrets getting a dog because now he is having all sorts of behavior problems related to separation anxiety.  Her remorse over getting this dog, a dog that she clearly loves deeply, is ultimately leading to issues in anxiety and depression for her as well.

Her feelings are not unique. Many dog owners felt guilty returning to their offices post-pandemic. And a couple of recent studies have shown that pet owner guilt over returning to the workplace closely resembles the guilt felt by parents of young children trying to balance work and home life. Given that 85% of dog owners and 75% of cat owners in the U.S. consider their pets to be family members, this isn't all that surprising.

Here's a quick summary of what dog owners in these two studies felt guilty about: Being away from home/having to go to work; not enough time in the day to pay attention to their dogs; neglecting their dog's physical health (missed walks, trips to the park, etc.); and leaving their dogs alone. Interestingly enough, the two populations in the study who felt the most conflicted with the demands of their jobs versus the demands of dog ownership were men and dog owners younger than 50 years of age. So, how do people compensate for this guilt?  Almost half of the study participants skipped out on social events to avoid leaving their dogs home alone and a third of the participants admitted (guiltily!) that they spend time with their dogs at the expense of other, human, family members. While overall the participants tried to remind themselves that their dogs had good lives and that helped them process their guilt better, 40% just felt defeated, and resigned themselves to feeling guilty about having a dog in the first place.

The worst part about all of this is the fact that dog owners with the highest guilt about owning dogs were also the ones with the highest scores for anxiety and depression for themselves. My new client was clearly one of these unfortunate people. Just reminding her that all of her overwhelming anxiety was going to make things worse for her dog, who clearly felt her emotions, reflecting them back to her, was not going to help.  We needed an action plan, some things she could easily do to decrease the pressure she felt to be "the perfect dog mom."

I began by telling her that she wasn't alone and giving her those stats I summarized for you up above.  I followed this with a few suggestions designed to give her some immediate relief.  I helped her reach out to five of her dog-loving friends to form a dog-sitting collective.  Two of the women in this collective didn't own dogs themselves because they lived in apartments that didn't allow pets, but they loved dogs and missed the companionship, so we included them. A schedule was devised for the month of December which allowed all of the participants to attend holiday parties, festive events with family and other friends, run errands, and even work outside the home.  We couldn't cover every person's workday, but for three of the participants working from home, adding a second dog (all of the dogs in this group were sociable!) wasn't a problem for their workday AND was something they thought their singleton dogs would look forward to...a playmate for the day! For the remaining workdays for my client whose dog was suffering from separation anxiety, we resolved to send her dog to daycare on those days. Just knowing that her friends were in this with her, willing to help, AND giving her an opportunity to help each of them as well, brought immediate relief and a feeling of accomplishment; they could take care of each other and their dogs.

I'm greatly looking forward to this group's progress report at the end of the month.  While I know my client will continue to see her own healthcare professionals to treat her anxiety and depression, my hope is that I at least played a small role in reducing her guilt and helping her dog with his separation anxiety. Her dog is lucky to have an owner who loves and cares about him so profoundly.  And she's lucky too as he clearly adores her.

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

They try to make me feel guilty about not sharing my snacks with them, but otherwise are supportive and very good boys whether I am home with them or not.