Attention Seeking & Manipulation

Many of you have heard me say that dogs are terminal toddlers.  Toddlers are smart, agile, and independent, but they are also self absorbed, impulsive, manipulative, and prone to outbursts (tantrums).  For many dog owners, that definitely sounds like familiar territory.  Fortunately, toddlers outgrow this phase (hopefully) becoming successful, productive, compassionate children and adults.  Dogs?  They are stuck in this phase, for better or for worse.  It's our job as dog owners to guide our pups so that they minimize the negative aspects of toddler-hood in favor of those more positive attributes.  If you don't provide your puppies and dogs with structure, rules, schedules, and consistent consequences, however, you may end up with a canine tyrant in your home.  I meet a lot of those dogs.

We all seek out attention for ourselves.  It might be a brightly colored shirt we love to wear as we always get compliments when we do.  Or, it might be giggling and spinning around with your arms wide open as you know when you do, your bestie will do the same and give you a big hug.  Seeking attention in and of itself is not a bad thing.  Where it goes awry is when it becomes disruptive and potentially dangerous. Here's an example.  A smart dog might bark at the backdoor as he's realized that doing so gets your attention and causes you to open the door for him, allowing access to explore his outdoor territory and maybe relieve himself in the process.  Some dogs take this a step further and bark at their owners any time they want something.  Hungry?  Bark at the owner until they cave and give you a snack.  Bored? Bark at the owner until they stop what they are doing and throw the ball.  Frustrated?  Bark at the human for ignoring them and then escalate to pawing, grabbing clothing, biting at hands, and jumping on them snapping teeth in their face.  That sure gets the human's attention, right? Now, if you are like most of my clients this type of negative attention seeking takes you by surprise.  You might jump up and try to calm your dog, or redirect them to something more appropriate.  You might even put them outside to "cool off."  Doing any of these things, however, has the potential to backfire, resulting in your dog persisting in those behaviors that got him the undivided attention he craved.  And that, my friends, is manipulation.

So, what should you do if you think you are being manipulated by your canine housemate?  Respond appropriately.  Don't give them what they are demanding and instead attach a consequence that they won't particularly enjoy but can, begrudgingly, understand.  Barking for no reason?  Time out in your pen, crate, or the laundry room.  Persist in barking?  Stay there until you can calm yourself.  If you can't safely move your dog to the time out, then remove yourself to another room and close the door! Removing yourself serves the same purpose; your dog can't demand attention from you, or escalate their manipulation, if you've removed yourself from that narrative. If your dog, starts grabbing your clothes and snapping at your hands and face the minute you sit down on the couch, then don't let them be near you on the couch.  Tether your dog away from the couch, confine them to an x-pen, or use a crate.  Give them something to do while you are on the couch and they are effectively confined; we aren't punishing them, we are establishing boundaries.  If they bark when tethered or confined, despite having something to do there, remove them to another room for a time out, or remove yourself. 

Now, I know you are tired and you just want to enjoy your evening, but handing a dog a bully stick, a bone, or actually stopping what you are doing (relaxing) and playing with them or trying to bribe them into leaving you alone is only going to backfire.  They always want more and sometimes, just like human toddlers, they don't even really know what they want.  They are frustrated!  You can't reason with a frustrated toddler or dog.  Remove them, let them calm down and rest, and then give them something appropriate to do at that point.  

It is true that I see a lot of bored dogs as well.  Remembering to provide daily challenges for your dog in the form of physical and mental exercise is important.  If you get too busy to walk them or too lazy to fill the food puzzle, then you can expect them to act up and act out later.  Bored dogs are frustrated dogs and boredom and frustration lead to negative attention seeking, manipulation, and in some dogs, escalating aggression.

You are the adult with the thumbs to open the fridge and the back door, the car keys to get them to the park, and the credit card to order their treats, food, and toys. Your dogs KNOW all of this.  They will absolutely try to manipulate you if they think they can or if they've been successful with that strategy in the past.  If your response is always to calmly remove them (or yourself) for a time out, the result is a dog who begins to curb their own behavior to avoid that time out.  Now, this doesn't mean you can ignore those barks to let them outside, delay mealtimes, or forget that you always do two walks a day and play fetch afterward.  Dogs like predictable schedules and too much variation causes undue stress and anxiety.  We all have a responsibility here.  We need to be predictable and trustworthy caretakers and our dogs need to be well-mannered toddlers. 

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

When Zelly was about six months old, she really started boundary testing.  She'd bark at you anytime she didn't get her way; she'd also chase after the other dogs biting at them and barking in their faces as well. My response to this was always the same:  Time out.  Nine times out of ten, she'd fuss for a few minutes and then fall fast asleep.  A reminder of just how important those naps are for puppies and for the rest of us who are living with them!