Is My Dog Mad At Me?

I've been asked this question so many times, usually by an owner who has been growled at, snapped at, or even bitten by their dog. Most recently, I was asked this question by a dog owner who felt her dog was snubbing her after she picked him up from a week of boarding. Have you ever thought that your dog was mad at you for some reason?

First of all, let's clear the air.  Your dog isn't mad at you, at least not the way other humans might be mad at you for something you said or did.  Dogs don't hold grudges like people do; what they do is express their fear, anxiety, discomfort, or frustration through changes in their behavior.  Dogs use body language cues to let us know that they are upset with a situation, not that they are mad at us, per se. If a dog makes a negative association between a human and a stress-provoking event, they will alter their behavior in a way that decreases their proximity to that human while they wait for their anxiety to subside.  Let me give you an example.

Let's say that you are clipping your dog's toenails and accidentally cut one too short, causing the nail to bleed, your dog to yelp, and yank his foot away.  When you try to grab the foot to stop the bleeding, he whirls around quickly, bumping your hand away with his nose.  When you finally get a hold of the foot to stop the bleeding, your dog won't make eye contact with you, licking his lips, yawning, and quivering, even giving you a slight lip curl when you squeeze the paw to create pressure to stop the bleeding.  Your attempts to soothe your dog with words and strokes on the head go unheeded and the moment you release his foot, he moves away quickly, tail tucked, giving you some epic side-eye as he retreats to his bed to lick his foot.  Is he mad at you?  No.  He's experiencing physical discomfort and he associates that discomfort with you.  He ultimately moves away from you because he's made a negative association: Being near you and having his feet handled equals pain.

When something like this happens, I know your first response is to try to placate and soothe your dog, however, this is the wrong course of action to take. Instead, give your dog some space and time to soothe themselves.  Again, dogs don't hold grudges.  You can make amends with your dog once he's settled down and regrouped.  If you push it, you run the risk of an escalation with your dog lashing out or doing something completely out of character for them. Your dog will forgive you, it's just going to take some time for them to change that negative association that they've made. Depending on how negative that association is, you may need to use desensitization and counter-conditioning, with brief, innocuous exposures to what created that stress and anxiety in the first place.  And, most likely, copious amounts of high value treats!

Using our same nail trimming mishap example, you might give your dog treats while the nail clippers are nearby, then build up to handling the feet with those clippers nearby.  Over time, you increase the foot handling and bring the clippers closer.  You build up to making noise with the clippers, but not on his nails.  If your dog remains calm and open to taking treats, you ultimately build up to clipping one or two nails, giving him a handful of treats, and stopping there on a positive note. This process is slow going but necessary to change your dog's point of view and negative association between you and those nail clippers.

Now, let's circle back to my client who felt like her dog was snubbing her after a stay at a boarding facility. She described the behaviors she was seeing:  Gaze aversion, tail held low, moving away from her.  He didn't want to play, be near her on the couch, or even go for a walk. If she tried to pet him, he stiffened and turned away.  While he never growled or snapped, she felt like it could happen if she were to try to pick him up, something she was smart enough not to do. I've known this dog for quite a while and all of this behavior is very much out of character.  I advised the owner to first have her dog looked at by her veterinarian.  We needed to rule out pain as the reason for the change in his behavior. Perhaps he'd pulled a muscle or slipped a disc while running around at the boarding facility.  Sure, a trip to the vet could also lead to her dog snubbing her even more, but it was necessary to make sure there wasn't something physical going on here. Once her vet had ruled out pain, I came up with a plan to get my client back into her dog's good graces, so to speak.  Here's what I told her to do.

First, do a little bit of hand feeding of special treats (in her dog's case, this was rotisserie chicken) before feeding each meal.  Hand feeding brings a dog closer to the person, often with brief eye contact.  I told her to build up to brief petting with these treats after a few days.  She also sat nearby while he ate, but not making eye contact or trying to talk to him.  She was just to be close by, a comforting presence. After about three days, her dog was approaching her, head up and tail wagging for those extra treats.  At this point I advised her to try to play a little ball with him and take him for a brief walk at his favorite park for sniffs and snacks.  By day six, he was back to his usual self, going for walks, playing ball, and cuddling on the couch.  Whew!

So, if your dog is giving you the cold shoulder, avoiding contact, and ignoring you with very obvious selective hearing, sure, he's upset.  He might even engage in destructive behavior which you don't normally see.  Before you get frustrated and try to force an interaction, figure out why this is happening.  Did you leave your dog alone too long?  Did you miss a normal treat or meal time?  Did you behave in a clingy way with them that they don't typically enjoy? Or did you not love on them long enough? Did you bathe them?  Cut nails? Or take them to the vet's office?  Any one of these things could be the reason your dog is showing discomfort and aloof behavior around you.  Once you've figured out why, get creative in your strategies to build back their confidence in you, using all of the things they enjoy, to win them back.  They're not ignoring you to manipulate you.  They are ignoring you and avoiding you because you've somehow broken their trust.  You can definitely win it back if you are patient and observant of those body language cues.

As always, if you have questions about your pet's behavior, you know where to find me.

Is he mad at me?  No, Henley isn't mad at me.  He's resigned to the fact that it's bath day.  When I tell him it's time for a bath, he doesn't retreat. He heads to the bathroom, all on his own, and jumps in the tub of his own volition.  I praise him every time he does this, and give him ample yummy treats for doing so.  He gets treats throughout the bath, and especially when I'm blow drying him.  Does he love baths and blow outs?  Absolutely not.  But he does tolerate them, participate in them of his own accord, and he is duly rewarded for his efforts.  He's never snubbed me in any way following a bath.  How did we get to this point? You guessed it.  Desensitization and counter conditioning starting when he was a puppy.  Thank goodness I did because Henley has serious allergies that require weekly, and sometimes biweekly baths. I can't imagine what this would be like if he didn't cooperate in his own skincare routine.